Friday, October 28, 2016

In a while...

I haven't written here for a long while.  I guess things aren't catastrophic, or seem to be as often.  I am losing my therapist.  He is getting a better job elsewhere.  I am happy for him but devastated for myself.  I have allowed myself to become attached.  It hurts to say goodbye.  Winnie the Pooh says it better than I:  "How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard".  It is weird that underneath all this anger and hurt there is just well wishes.  What has happened to me that I don't cut myself or hurt myself in any manner really...  Well maybe the excessive consumption of fatty foods is not healthy, and maybe my immediate turn to my mother is a little off.  I need to become a little more independent I suppose, well to American standards.  But graduate school is okay, I mean I hate it right now - the amount and quality of work is phenomenal but I'll live right?  Right.  I have my new puppy who just doesn't fill the void in me where Tinkerbell used to be.  And my new house is okay, I do love it but I am awful lonely at times and I do spend more time at my parents than any normal person.  SO --- That's what's new with me.

Friday, June 10, 2016

The Everlasting Throb Resounds

The everlasting throb resounds through my head
Nothing she has done or can do will cease this despair
She can only pray that tomorrow will be a fresh day
Sometimes she asks why she was burdened with this boon
But she can’t blame an entity that doesn’t exist for her sins
She wishes that the pain would be taken away anew
But wishing brings spite and then shame for past
Guilty conscience for a girl whose youth was stolen
How can a child steal her own innocence 
Somehow it is possible because she is my demon
Forgot the lust of a grown man who speaks lies
Never mind the wretchedness brought to life
Sweet darkness promises a permanent relief
That respite would take me away from it all
But…  She would lose the only love she cherished
Maybe doomed to the pits of a fiery burning hell
Or a cycle that repeats itself over and over
Until…  Until she can correct her mistakes
So the blades are tainted with blood, a respite 
Yet the noose hangs empty now with fear
Though that fateful date draws ever near

Then, maybe then she can find herself again

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

bright red

I cut again today, the sting of the blade brought me back, a bright red stain bled my heart, the sing of the blade against my flesh, I felt relieved in a sense, memories of when I used to cut, tears in my eyes and full of shame, a bright red stain upon my skin
Really it was either this cutting or a noose prepared for me in the closet.  It's getting worse, I am more agitated in this depression than in any other episode.  I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't cry.  I am sick all of the time.  This facade is starting to crumble, I can't even, I just can't.

Friday, May 13, 2016

luck be a lady

the draw of the slots ring out at the rear
thats how i felt whenever she was near
but luck doesn't shine upon those who wait
maybe if there was some magic bait

ne'er mind that question once was asked
the time has come and now it's passed
I wanted her now she wants me maybe
is it too late for love to set me free

I seethe with red that I can't be hers
the boundary line bends and blurs
i couldn't just find another harp to strum
her word again has stricken me dumb

Monday, April 4, 2016

Terrified Existence

Terror envelops the surrounding atmosphere, where nothing exists anymore
Fear in me is what drives me to succeed or fail, failure is to cease
Whispers in silence of a torrential downfall, previous nights spent weeping
A place I don’t care to revisit, was it worse, then now, is now
Placing my Faith in a moment
Winning a spot in the race
Running uphill, panting, stumbling, falling backwards
Hope means nothing if not in His Name
I can’t finish, I’m not a believer
Or thought I wasn’t, tried not to be
Because I was angry - circumstance
Anxious thoughts creep between my ears, I am all alone
Nothing is left, no one

Silence

Friday, October 30, 2015

Halloween and Therapy

Fire, I swear it is burning my flesh
Causing old wounds to be so fresh
Opening scars and turns them anew
Holding breath face turning blue
I can not commit that final sin
But I don’t know where to begin
Fear strikes my back at every turn
Yet again my flesh will burn
Wait here he says and bids adieu 
You’re time is up and we are through
How do I close Pandoras box
Cleverly and soundly like the fox
Nothing changes in the end
A monster waits at every bend
So I’ll just wait upon the morrow
Pray I won’t die from all the sorrow
God forbid we forget the fear

Always keep it fresh and near

Repetition

I suppose we’ve started exposure therapy in earnest now.  I think I am not going to like this…  I already don’t like it, I went into the office with my knees shaking in my boots.  Peter said I was bouncing today referring to the leg shaking.  I tried to stop it consciously.  It is a really difficult thing to do, sit in those memories and feel what I felt then as well as have the realization that I am now an adult and in a different place.  I can feel myself fighting the emotions of then, putting it outside myself.  I don’t like closing my eyes and seeing, no not seeing exactly but having the sensory memories that come when I do shut the lids of my eyes.  I am exhausted after this session as I was after the last session when we started reliving the events.  Oh by the way, had a really great birthday this year!

Backs of eyelids and your voice drones on
I can hear myself trying to describe it
A time, a place that’s not now
My lips quiver and I bite my cheek
I can’t cry, not again, not over him
I part my essence so it won’t hurt
Separate memories from current situation
Fact is I don’t remember details
I don’t recall the color of the back of the couch
Or the fabric of the dingy carpet
Sensory memories…  
Sometimes a touch 
The way the anxiety overrides my body
Even now as then taking its toll
And you ask me about details
Fact is I don’t recall
I don’t remember his calloused hands
Roaming my prepubescent midsection
Or his lips on my chest 
Tongue darting towards my nipple
It isn’t clear but I was there
I might have enjoyed it at first
Until…  Until I was terrified
Something was wrong, so wrong
Cut to scene 3 and I am there
Under the table - hiding, again
Nobody knows, maybe nobody cares
What am I supposed to do or say
It wasn’t supposed to happen again
I’ve been bad as usual, again
Again, and again, and again
Lets talk about fear because it never leaves
They deceive me by telling me it ceases
Now I’m grown and I feel it always
Call it a healthy skepticism but it’s here
Right in my belly growing
Igniting my chest, spreading throughout my face
My ears are on fire, my nose is running

Let it end, let it end